I have to tell that today I am very sad. I don't normally write about such unhappiness in my life but feel the need to. Since my father's death it seems like my whole family has unravelled. Constant fighting, people jockeying for my mother's attention and some folks taking full advantage of her with their sympathy pleas for $$$.
I won't go into my family's problems, you wouldn't understand all there complexities but I'm sure some of you have your own and know how family's can be. My sister in law whom I have considered my sister for over 30 years has turned her back on me. Ever since the day of my divorce hearing she won't talk to me, emailed me that she wants nothing to do with me ever again. That I am to negative. WHAT???? How on earth do you equate sadness, heart ache, complete loss with negativeness. Yes, I was not happy and yes, I was crying off and on. 18 years of marriage is a very long time to be with someone good or bad and it is devastating to throw it all away. Something I think she will never have to go through and not ever understand. But she has ALWAYS been there for me as I have ALWAYS been there for her.
Being blamed for her medical problems that ensued after my hearing was even more of a blow to me. Not to mention the night before my divorce hearing, my other brother and his wife ripped into me for two hours for something I said. I swear I'm living a nightmare, someone please wake me up, please. I don't claim to be innocent. I was not very nice to my family the night before my hearing. I was after all, a nervous wreck and depressed beyond measure. Something I thought people could have figured out and would have tried to be a bit more tolerant of my mood. But once again, I was wrong.
I realize now that most people can't or won't or simply just to selfish to really care when you need them the most. I also think that I place to much accountability and hope on my family that they will really be there for me in my darkest hours. It's just not true. They are to self involved in their own life and I really don't matter to them. That hurts. But I do know that coming to that decision has freed me. I know it sounds ironic, but it is true. I feel free now that I have set them free from me. I wrote my one sister in law and set her free of all connection to me, then I wished her well, hoped for a full life without me.
Someday I feel God will set it right, but until then I am thankful for all the friends who did stand by me and hold my hand as I walked a path of uncertainty, darkness and despair. They truly are my family and I am humbly grateful for them.
I have since moved back with my husband and things are ok. I will continue to take one day at a time and believe that I am in the hands of the Almighty and he really does know best. Trusting him sometimes can be very scary but Job (found in the Bible) made it through much more heart ache than I have been in, so I think I can too! Thanks my friends for walking beside me in some of my darkness hours...I do see the sunlight coming over the horizon now. God bless, Cathy