June 22, 2011

Identifying the Problem

Identifying the problem. Yeah, that's what is happening to me. For the past several months we have been struggling with some major, life changing financial difficulties. Along with that I have become overwhelmingly hit with despair, hopelessness and emotional and mental fatigue. Not to mention, lack of creativity.

But the biggest problem that has arisen is what has been happening for 20 years in my family's life. So this blog will be sorta of a journal if you don't mind of where I am at now and hopefully where God is leading and teaching me for the future.

I will make no bones about it my husband is an alcoholic. Full blown, practicing one and the devastating affects on my home, marriage and children is unmeasurable. So when my husband lost his job for 18 months and the bills piled up and accusations and frustrations started to fly, an awareness of my surroundings and life started to emerge.

It wasn't till the foreclosure and bankruptcy happened that an acute awareness of this debilitating disease surfaced and my despair swallowed up my life. I started emotionally and physically separating from my spouse. I moved into my daughter's vacant bedroom and set up my mini apartment, my emotional safe haven so to speak. It was were I could cry with out disturbance, read, sleep without the smell of alcohol laden air and just somewhere to find a small spot of peace.

But life wasn't good and I stopped talking and trying to have a normal relationship with my husband. I just shut down. I no longer tried repeatedly to get him to stop talking nor did I converse with him except on the absolute necessities regarding children and home. The overwhelming sense of despair was starting to take over and I felt like I was no longer bobbing my head above water, but sinking into the abyss. I realized fully of my problems when I went to renew a phone card and could not say one sentence coherently, I just didn't make any sense. After this terrible experience, I walked into our local book store and found my way into the Christian section searching for Amish romance novels, my mental escape. But God had better plans for me and led me to a self help section and there it was, a book on "Boundaries"." I don't need this stupid book" I thought but God really does know better. And so this journey begins.....

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